Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Chester Bennington

 am writing this post for Chester Bennington. I am writing this to thank you. I am writing this to apologise. I am writing this because your death has truly pulled on my heart strings – I am writing this because I can’t stop thinking about what happened to you. I am writing this because a little bit of hope died in me on the day you realised you couldn’t live in this world anymore. I am writing this because I am angry, I am so angry. I am sick and tired of mental health not being taken seriously. I am writing this because my heart breaks every time someone leaves this world out of their own choice.

Chester. Linkin Park. Your music has been in my ears since before I learned to walk. I was probably banging my head along to your music before I said my first words. I owe that to my dad. He was the one blasting your music through the cars speakers. Your words have been circulating in my mind for as long as I can remember and I have always been so proud of that. I have always been proud to be a part of your family – Proud to be part of music that hits you in the deepest parts of your mind, music that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, music that brings a tear to your eye but also a glint of hope; a flicker of fire.

I have a lot to thank you for – SO MUCH. There have been completely broken but, do you know what you did? You gave me that fire, you gave me that hope, you gave me the ammunition I needed to keep going. You stopped me from breaking. You helped me to keep living. You helped me to stay strong. I wish I could put into words just how much you have impacted my life but, I don’t think I ever can but, let me tell you this. The fact that I am sat here today, living my life, experiencing the highs and lows – That is partially down to you. It is no over exaggeration when I say that you helped me get through some of my darkest days, I don’t say stuff like that lightly. I remember getting the bus home from sixth form, I was so close to being broken – So close. Do you know what I did? I stuck my earphones in and the familiar thud of “In the end” took over my ears and I allowed myself to be swallowed in by the music. It was the first time I’d ever really listened to those lyrics, of course I’d listened to them before but this was different, they resonated with me – They hit me in the soul. The lyrics overwrote my sadness with anger and I want to thank you for that because do you know what anger is? Anger is fire, anger is fight, anger is “Fuck you, you’re not going to break me”. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I want to apologise. I want to say sorry because I can’t help but feeling bad for the fact that you’ve helped me and so many (SO MANY) others get through hard times yet, there was no one there to help you. That just hurts so much. I don’t think you realised just how many people’s lives you impacted – Just how many people you helped. I can’t begin to imagine what you were feeling – I’ve been in dark places but I’ve never been in a place that dark. I hate the fact that your thoughts were destroying you, that your mind was knowing at your insides and slowly killing you. You didn’t deserve that. You deserved happiness and I am so sorry that, that’s not what you were feeling.

I want you to know that you are and always will be a hero of mine. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS respect you. One day, I will be driving in my car with my children and they will be having your music taking over their ears. You will be a friend to them and I know that, that will bring them comfort. Comfort and hope.

Rest easy Chester – I hope that the pain has gone now. Please be okay.

For anyone that’s reading this that is suffering with mental health issues, suicidal thoughts, self harm, low moods; ANYTHING. Please, please, please – Don’t suffer in silence. Life can and does get better, I promise. You need to talk about it, you need to get it out. You were not made to feel these feelings all alone – That is not what you were put on this planet for. Please speak about it. Please don’t bottle it up. I don’t want you to leave this planet. I know I don’t know who you are but I care about you, I hate the thought of you not being here anymore. I’m going to leave my email address because I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here. That is my promise, from me to you. Whenever you’re feeling low, you can talk to me. You don’t need to tell me who you are, where you are, what you are – I don’t care. I just want you to be okay.

I am here for you – I promise.

I am going to download an app like KIK, or something along those lines instead of putting my email on here - I will include it in my next post.

You will always have a friend in me.

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